Learning to Trust That the Lord's Plans are Bigger and Better Than Mine

Several months back, I made a blog post talking about how I have changed as I've grown up: how my view of the world and my hopes and dreams shifted and transformed as I got to where I am now. I talked about how sometimes our lives turn out completely different than how we thought they would, and we change in ways we didn't expect, but that it's okay to not always have it figured out, because it always works out in the end.
I think what really inspired that analysis was a quote I've seen a few times throughout my life:

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." 

- Soren Kierkegaard

So today, I wish to address this same idea in light of some recent events and curve balls that life has thrown my way, and hope that I can express my testimony and my knowledge that God has a plan for me, and for all of us.

A month ago, I announced on Facebook that I had submitted my missionary papers to serve a 18-month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was a decision I was very excited for and felt very passionate about. I read all about what it's like to serve a mission, emailed all my friends on missions asking questions and advice, started studying Preach My Gospel (a fantastic book that teaches how to teach and how to become more like Christ), prayed, attended the temple, made plans to serve, let my boss know I would be leaving, started working on my future missionary wardrobe...

Exactly one week ago, I met with my stake president because he had received a letter from the Church missionary department regarding my mission, and wanted to discuss it with me. Not knowing what to expect, I walked into that meeting a bit nervous but trusting that whatever the letter said, it would be from God and that it would be right. 

I'll keep specific details private, but the letter basically stated that after reviewing my papers and praying, the Brethren felt that now is not the time for me to serve a mission and that if I continue to keep doing the things I'm doing and stay on the right path, I can reconsider and try submitting my papers again later on.

The next day - after discussing this together for a couple weeks - my boyfriend of a year and a half (who is now serving a full-time mission in Chile) and I made the decision to part ways, both feeling that there is something more out there for each of us.

The past week has consisted of a lot of pondering on how I got to this point, where I am now, and where to go from here. I've felt a wide range of emotions, many of which are negative: anxiety, depression, confusion, frustration, fear, and doubt. Certainly I am justified in feeling all of those emotions. Let's be honest, half of my plans for my life were just swept away in a matter of two days. But what has surprised me, and surely has surprised those around me, is that the large majority of the emotions I've felt have been positive.

Any time I have felt ANXIETY, an overwhelming feeling of PEACE has followed.

Any time I have felt DEPRESSION, an overwhelming feeling of HOPE has followed.

Any time I have felt CONFUSION, an overwhelming feeling of TRUST has followed.

Any time I have felt FRUSTRATION, an overwhelming feeling of PATIENCE has followed.

Any time I have felt FEAR, an overwhelming feeling of COURAGE has followed.

Any time I have felt DOUBT, an overwhelming feeling of BELIEF has followed.

Each time, these positive emotions come stronger than the last, diminishing the negative, leaving no room for doubt and for fear, and the one thought that has been engraved in the back of my mind since the minute I stepped into my stake president's office is this: "My Heavenly Father has a plan for me." That plan is better than I know; it is more perfect than my own plan could ever be.

Months ago, I made this statement: "Life is about learning. Life is about making mistakes, about plans that don't go your way, about hard things and sad things, and about getting back up every time, learning something from those experiences, and moving forward. Hopefully future me will understand more fully that she doesn't know everything, that she doesn't have everything figured out, and that it is okay, because her God does, and that is ALL that matters."

My knowledge of God's plan for me is no where near perfect. I have no idea where He is guiding me, who He is shaping me to be, or where I am going to end up. But I can say this: I do know that God DOES know me, He DOES know my doubts, he DOES know my fears, and he DOES know my hopes and dreams. Those things matter to Him. I have felt His love for me in so much abundance throughout this experience that I can say that I know without a shadow of a doubt that He is here, He is all-knowing, all-loving, and that His plan - for me, and for all of us - is perfect.

I'm excited for the day, fifty or so years from now, that I can look back at my life and understand the reasons for all my trials, all my confusions and doubts, and to know that my faith was not misplaced. Because though I may not have everything figured out right now, my God does, "and that is ALL that matters."

*****

St Matthew 16:24-25

24 ¶Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

 25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

Working At a Hotel - An Experience Told Through New Girl Gifs

When you're hoping there's no new arrivals but it ends up being super busy:

"Uh... our toilet is clogged... Can you come fix it?"

When guests tell you way too much about their personal lives:

"What do you do all night when no one's checking in?"

When you forget to check if the room's been cleaned before checking a guest in:

Every general manager at the beginning of the new year:

"Hey do you think I could invite all my friends over to swim in the pool?"

"It must be so horrible to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

"Can I get your manager's email address? I need to report to him about my stay."

"What do you mean you're fully booked? I need a room tonight!"

"Is this, like, a nice hotel? Like are the rooms nice? ...But how nice?"

Any time a truck driver starts to tell you about their job, ever:

"How was the shift?"

"Hi I'm staying in room 202... Could you tell me how I would know if I have bed bugs?"

"Why were the police here last night?"

"I actually don't have my photo ID on me or my credit card, but I have cash."

"What's it like working full-time at a hotel?"

"Do you think I could maybe smoke in my room?"

And yes, to the guests who come in at 3am, drink 10 cups of coffee, and ask for 20 razors, we are indeed:

My life is what they make it: A Disney Gif Experience

Moving away from home changes a person. You get used to being independent, making your own food/money, having no rules, and making your own choices. Your life is literally what you make it. So when you move back home for the summer... let's just say it's a weird adjustment.

Here's a little taste of what its like.

Walking into your home for the first time that summer:

Your first home-cooked meal of the summer:

When you realize you don't have to pay for rent or groceries for three months:

When your siblings try to get favors from you now that you're home:

And they don't seem to understand the concept of "alone time":

When your family thinks it's okay to eat your food without asking:

Going from living on a college budget to your family's middle class budget overnight:

Trying to keep up with all the activities/hikes/vacations your family has planned for the summer:

When you're trying to bribe your mom into buying you something:

Trying to find ways to get out of babysitting your siblings:

When you just want to hang out with someone but all your friends live out of town now:

Trying to keep yourself entertained like:

Getting more privileges because "she's an adult now":

Stocking up on as much food as you can while you're still not paying for it:

When you're stressing out about money and school and your mom's like:

"I'm gonna need you to go run some errands for me today":

Finally seeing babies and children again:

When you get in trouble for eating food on the carpet... again:

Waking up to your family arguing:

Missing the freedom of living on your own:

Ending each day like:

When your extended family brings up your love life during vacation:

When you realize that you only have a few weeks until school starts again and you can move out:

"How was your summer at home?":

All jokes aside, I love my family and being able to be with them everyday. I love all the hard work my parents put in to insure that their kids have a loving and happy place to come home to. I love not having to cook or pay for rent, and I love always having someone around me to talk to. So don't get me wrong, being at home is really great, but I think we're all a little ready for me to move back out again.

Why I'm Celebrating

HBO's television series "The Newsroom" presented an intense, hard-hitting monologue by actor Jeff Daniels on why America his character Will believes isn't the greatest country in the world anymore. Here's what he says:

"It's NOT the greatest country in the world, Professor. That's my answer. ... And with a straight face, you're going to tell students that America is so star-spangled awesome, that we're the only ones in the world that have freedom? Canada has freedom. Japan has freedom. The UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, BELGIUM has freedom. So 207 sovereign states in the world, like 180 of 'em have freedom. ... There is absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined, 25 of whom are allies. ... First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore. Enough?"

Now how's that for an argument?

The first time I saw this video clip, an acquaintance of mine from high school had shared it on Twitter. The caption said something along the lines of "Bruh, he be spittin' truth." Pretty soon after that, I saw it shared again, and again, and again, until eventually I was pretty sure I had the whole monologue memorized word for word.
With what's been going on lately in the world - terrorist attacks, massacres, rape, natural disasters, abuse, poverty, politics, racism - it's easy to start losing pride in our country. When the country was faced with the realization that Trump and Hillary are the two main runners for the 2016 presidential election, Google said that the search "How do I move to Canada" spiked to an all-time high. In my Junior year of high school, my U.S. History teacher taught us from the perspective that we are the reason for the wars we were involved in, that we were always at fault, and that we were lying to ourselves if we believed our country was as great as we say it is. Liberals, conservatives, whites, blacks, young and old alike are starting to pay attention to and agree with what Will from "The Newsroom" stated. Maybe we aren't so star-spangled awesome anymore.

Darby Hennessey from The Odyssey said this: "Let’s admit it: America can be a not-so-great place sometimes. From negative media publicity to celebrity and political scandals and more, it can be hard to be a proud American on occasion."

So why should we keep putting our hands on our hearts and saying the pledge of allegiance in schools? Why should we celebrate our nation's independence every year with fireworks so loud that Canada can't sleep? Why should we keep being proud Americans when there is so much to not be proud of?

Because we're free. Simple as that.

Nevermind that other countries have freedom too. Nevermind that other countries have easier access to health-care. Nevermind that other countries have stricter (or more flexible) immigration laws. Nevermind that other countries are more eco-friendly. Nevermind that other countries have more affordable education. I'm not trying to claim that America is the greatest country in the world. Everyone knows we have faults, and we make mistakes, and we have plenty of bad to go around. But we are still free.
Free to worship whatever or whomever we choose. Free to say what we think and free to do as we say. We are free to decide our future. We are free to act. We are free to believe, and we are free to not believe. We are free to choose to be proud of this country or not.

This time of the year, we celebrate our independence as a nation. We celebrate the sacrifice and dedication and sweat and tears our forefathers gave to provide us with this land. We remember the bondage we were in before this nation came to be, the bondage we put the slaves in after this nation came to be, the inequality we created between man and women, black and white, rich and poor. We celebrate how far we have come since then. We celebrate the wars we have won, the friendships we have created, the lessons we have learned, and the knowledge we have gained. We celebrate the soldiers who have risked everything to protect us and our freedom. We celebrate our country, for the good and for the bad. We remember God's promise to us that if we will remember our blessings and serve Him, we will prosper.

"If tomorrow all the things were gone I'd worked for all my life
And I had to start again with just my children and my wife,
I'd thank my lucky stars to be living here today,
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can't take that away.

And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land. God bless the U.S.A."
   
This Independence Day, may we all remember why we celebrate. May we remember the suffering we've experienced and may we remember the victories we've had. May we show more gratitude to those who protect us and serve us. May we love each other a little more, accept each other a little more fully, and treat each other with a little more respect.
May we all find a new sense of pride, patriotism, and gratitude for the wonderful blessing it is to be free, and to be an American, despite the bad.

Happy Fourth of July.

Line Upon Line, Precept Upon Precept

This is me when I was 5 years old.
As you can see, I have always been outstandingly photogenic.

     Five-year-old Madison had her life pretty much figured out: I go to Kindergarten at this time every day, and my mom packs me this kind of sandwich for lunch, I get to watch this show at this time when I get home, just in time for me to get my favorite snack, and my dad will be home just in time for dinner, and I'm going to wear these pajamas tonight so I have a dream about this, and tomorrow I will wear these pajamas so I have a dream about this. Your friends are your neighbors and your town is your playground. Throw in some very big, manly, Jewish men, some palm trees, an American International school, and a two-hour drive every weekend into Jerusalem for church services, and there you have my five-year-old life. It was pretty rockin' if you ask me.

Here I am at 12 years old.
Again - very, very photogenic.

     Twelve-year old Madi definitely had her life figured out. I mean, except for the whole "What I'm Going to do For The Rest of My Life" thing. But middle school was a breeze. I could always count on some new drama going on when I walked off the bus and into the front doors of the school. And if there wasn't any drama going on, and I was bored, I could just start some! Easy peasy. I could count on my hair to look as crazy as ever. I had my collared shirts planned for each day of the week, and I could count on the 15 minutes before the bus came to borrow my neighbor's makeup and dress myself up before school. The fifteen minutes after school were spent wiping it all off before my mom saw. I knew what time my parents went to bed so I could sneak downstairs and get some goldfish without them knowing. I knew that if I instant messaged my crush Glen Krebs three times, he would respond to at least one of them (guaranteed, kind of). I knew that I could count on my good ol' pink and blue fleece jackets to cover up my insecurities, and I was pretty darn sure they made me look popular. Oh, and if anyone in my church class seemed out of line, I was self-righteous enough to think I could lecture them on what they should be doing. Life. was. good.

Now, I am 16 years old.
I was going to make another joke about how un-photogenic I am here, but then I noticed that I painted each of my finder nails a difference color of the rainbow, and I feel like that deserves to be pointed out.

     Sixteen-year-old Madi/Madison had her life figured out: if I pretend I didn't hear my mom come in and tell me to wake up, maybe I can skip seminary and play it off like I'm sick. Life was about passing my math tests, going to as many parties and activities as I could, finding a boyfriend who looked like Ben Dahlhaus (mmm, love that beard), and trying my very hardest not to let the hormones that told me to yell at my parents control me. Oh, and it was definitely about my eyebrows. They had to be perfect. Apart from the occasional emotional breakdown and acne, life was pretty darn good. How could it not be when you watch an episode of Psych every night before bed?

     

    And here I am at 18 years old. I still have a favorite snack to eat while I watch my favorite show on TV, although now my favorite snack is a whole tub of moose track ice-cream instead of a handful of pretzels, and I switched out Clifford the Big Red Dog with Grey's Anatomy. I still sometimes sneak downstairs at night while my parents are sleeping to eat goldfish, except now I sneak just to avoid being laughed at instead of avoiding getting in trouble. I'm still obsessed with boys, only this time it's just one boy and he is much, much better like a silly bearded model I found on Pinterest.

     But the biggest difference is this: eighteen-year-old Mads does not have her life figured out. Not even a little bit. I don't know what to major in, I don't know how to pretend I'm an adult, I don't have enough money to even exist, and I have absolutely no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. I'm not as intelligent as I grew up thinking, and I don't know how to answer every question or solve every problem like I once thought I could. I'm not as perfect as I grew up thinking I was, and I'm not as admirable as I once assumed I was. I'm sure I have disappointed many people along the way, and I have definitely had moments where I have disappointed myself. I'm sure my five-year-old self never imagined that I wouldn't be a famous singer by now. My twelve-year old self I'm sure never imagined that I wouldn't be popular in school. My sixteen-year-old self sure never thought I'd fall in love. The important thing is that none of that matters. It's okay to not have everything figured out. It's okay to change courses. It's okay to not accomplish everything you hoped you would accomplish (I'm talking to you, five-year-old Madison). It's okay to not have an answer to every question and a solution to every problem that comes your way.

 For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have (2 Nephi 28:30).

     Life is about learning. Life is about making mistakes, about plans that don't go your way, about hard things and sad things, and about getting back up every time, learning something from those experiences, and moving forward.
     Hopefully future Madison/Madi/Mads will understand more fully that she doesn't know everything, that she doesn't have everything figured out and that it is okay, because her God does, and that is ALL that matters.

Finishing a semester through Princess Bride gifs

When your professor won't stop reminding you that the final is comprehensive:

And then they say they won't curve the final:

So then you try to convince yourself that it's okay if you fail a class:

Your parents ask you how your grades look:

And then someone asks if you're ready for all your finals:

You start to realize you should have tried harder during the semester:

So you try to convince your teacher to give you a better grade:

But your professor won't bump your D- to a B+:

And you know inside they're just like:

Your friends start trying to give you comfort:

And they ask why you didn't start studying a couple weeks ago:

Hearing someone say they're ready for their finals:

Walking into your first final like:

Finally walking out of your last final:

Sitting around patiently for your grades to be posted:

Your friends start making fun of you for being so anxious:

Finally you get the notification that your grades were posted:

And you passed all your classes:

It's finally summer:

And here come all the wedding invitations in the mail: