Forgiving Yourself

 

     Hello and welcome to a world where doing stupid things on purpose is encouraged and hating yourself because of guilt afterwards is expected.

     Because that's the most logical way to live our lives, right?

     Why do we live like that?? Human beings are crazy. We make ourselves miserable and then instead of fixing it and being happy we just let the misery consume us. I mean look, we've been taught since we were children to say sorry when we mess up and to forgive other people when they mess up, are mean to us, or hurt us, but we never seemed to learn how forgive ourselves when we mess up, are mean to ourselves, or hurt ourselves. Maybe we feel like we don't deserve forgiveness, maybe we don't know how, or maybe it just is too hard, but whatever it is, one thing is for certain: it's not a good enough excuse.

     So let me start out with a little WebMD snippet (not because I'm obsessed with it, which I am, but because it actually has some good information on this). Jean Lawrence from WebMD said this, " Did you cheat on your spouse? Hit a child in anger? Steal something? Go off the wagon? The list of potential human misdeeds is long. If someone else did these things, you might learn to forgive them or at least let go of the anger. That's because it's easier to forgive others. After all, they don't live in your head, reading you the same old riot act. All the world's major religions preach the power of forgiveness. But forgiveness is such an elusive act, quicksilver in its ability to be strongly felt one moment and then dart away beyond reach the next. According to Stanford's call for volunteer subjects, the definition of forgiveness is a simple one, not a near-impossible requirement that a person apply for sainthood. "Forgiveness," it says, "consists primarily of taking less personal offense, reducing anger, and the blaming of the offender, and developing an increased understanding of situations that lead to hurt and anger. " (Thanks, WebMD!!)

     Once upon a time, there was a girl (totally not me) who was terrified of hurting people she loved. She was terrified of being a disappointment to her family and her friends. But she had a little problem, and that problem was called She Messed Up Too Much And She Didn't Know How To Tell Her Loved Ones So Sometimes She Just Lied And Said She Didn't Do It. Whew. That's a mouthful. Try saying that five times fast (it's actually pretty tough, I totally just tried). When this problem occurred, she got stressed out and scared and had to cover up her stories and cover up her stories' stories and on and on until she got caught and embarrassed and lost all her trust and her friends and died. The end.

     How's that for a bedtime story?!

     Luckily, that's not the real ending. I totally made that up, you guys. No worries. You can go to sleep peacefully tonight. I'll tell you the real ending a little bit later (ha, gotcha, you have to keep reading).

     I see too many people (myself included) who grow up thinking they will never make these awful, terrible, no good very bad mistakes that they see other people do, and then one day they're grown up one and they wake up in the morning and it dawns on them they did exactly that. Realization hits and guilt and shame sets in, and then comes the fun battle between you and yourself about what you did. How are you going to fix it? Is it even worth trying anymore? Your innocence is forever gone. You are no longer clean. You've reached the point of no return. No one will love you when they find out what you did. Everyone will be so disappointed. You are just the worst. Right?

     Not even close. 

     Okay, so maybe that doesn't make you the worst. You messed up, and that sucked, but you won't do it again! ...But then you do it again. And again. And again. And no matter how hard you try, you keep messing up. You're definitely the worst now, right?

     In fact, you're pretty much the opposite. The fact that you recognize you've messed up, and you feel guilty, and you don't want to be doing it just shows that you care and that you're trying.

     Sharon Hartman, a clinical trainer at the Caron Foundation in PA, states it better than I could. " No one, " she says, " can beat us up better than we beat ourselves up. "

     I've been trying to figure out why that is. I mean, we see ourselves the way no one else does. We can understand our motives behind our actions, we can feel of our guilt, and we can know of our desire to change and be better. That would be enough for me to forgive almost anyone else, but it never seems to be enough to forgive myself. It's like I've suddenly become the Wicked Witch of the West and the only way to fix all the problems I've caused is to melt into the ground as someone dumps water on me. I'm pretty sure that's the only logical next step in this situation.

     I have a church leader who I have constantly relied on during my struggles. She's been an awesome support to me. Just a few weeks ago, I was having a really stressful week with school and work, and I was experiencing some roommate/friend drama. I put it all on myself. I convinced myself that it was all my fault, and I was to blame for all of it. I told my leader how I was feeling and she said this to me: " Mads. You are so great. You are not doing anything wrong. I promise you, you are your worst critic. Nobody thinks as badly about you as you do about yourself. Just breathe. You will get through this. " That really stuck with me and I began to notice it almost every day. Every time I slipped up and said something stupid or told a white lie on accident or thought mean thoughts and then absolutely tore myself apart about it, I thought about what she told me. 

     There is this amazing woman that I know. She has a strength and spirit about her that I can only hope to one day have. As we've gotten closer, she's let me in and let me know about a mistake she made when she was young that changed her life. It was one of those mistakes that you grow up thinking you'll never make, and then one day you do, and you wonder how you got to this point. She was ashamed of what she did, and she didn't want anyone to know. She couldn't bare the thought of disappointing her mother and her family. So, she hid what she did for as long as possible. The fear of disappointing her family and the fear of anger and the fear of being seen as unclean and just fear in general was so controlling. But you can't hide forever, and one day, her mother started talking to her as they sat on the couch together, and it all came out. She started crying and she told her mother what she had done. Was her mother disappointed? Yes. Did she feel unclean and scared still? Yes. But you know what? It was all okay. She was overcome with a feeling of love, and a burden fell off her shoulders. It was all okay. She worked through it and she learned to receive forgiveness for what she had done, and she learned to forgive herself. And it was all okay.

     When we mess up, there's a little voice that comes into our heads to strike fear, telling us that we are not good enough. That we are not worthy of forgiveness. That we should've been better but, guess we're not. That we can't change. That we will never be clean again or innocent again. THAT. VOICE. IS. NOT. RIGHT. Let me stress that again. The voice that is telling you to give up and wallow in misery is WRONG. There is nothing that you can do that is impossible to forgive. Think of those crazy stories where a bunch of dumb teenagers throw something at a passing car and end up killing someone in the vehicle, and then the wife of the deceased man forgives them and hugs them in court. Nothing you can do is unforgivable. But the first step to that recovery process is forgiving yourself first of your mistakes.

     Ready to go back to my bedtime story?

     Once upon a time, there was a girl (still not me) who was terrified of hurting people she loved. She was terrified of being a disappointment to her family and her friends. But she had a little problem, and that problem was called She Messed Up Too Much And She Didn't Know How To Tell Her Loved Ones So Sometimes She Just Lied And Said She Didn't Do It. When this problem occurred, she got stressed out and scared and had to cover up her stories and cover up her stories' stories and on and on until she got caught, and embarrassed, and her friends had trouble trusting her, and she felt terrible, and didn't know what to do. But, after some tears, and lots of heartfelt apologies, and after maybe some prayers and some good ole personal time to think about what she did, she realized that everyone makes mistakes, and everyone gets caught, and everyone digs themselves into holes unintentionally, and she deserved forgiveness just as much as the next person. And so she learned to forgive herself. And when she did that, she realized that everyone else had forgiven her too, and she was free and clean. And she lived happily ever after.

   

     No matter what, you deserve the peace that comes from forgiving yourself. You are your own worst critic. Don't beat yourself up about it. No one thinks as badly about you as you do about yourself. It will all be okay. Breathe. You are a good, awesome person, who does good, awesome things, who deserves a good, awesome life, and the way to find that is letting go and moving forward.
     You got this.

Living in the coldest place on earth

     Okay, that was a little bit of an exaggeration. But this morning when I checked the temperature, it said -5. That is so not okay.
     Here's a little insight to what it's like living in the Antarctica of Utah.


When November 1st comes and you're just waiting for the snowpocalypse to hit.


When it hits two days later


When everyone is excited for the snow and you're just like


Trying to bulk up for the winter like


Missing summer like


When your friends from warm states ask how you're doing


When it hasn't stopped snowing for two weeks


When the sun actually comes out



Checking the forecast for the week


When the groundhog says that spring is just around the corner


Calling home like



Trying to get the student living center to turn the heat up


Trying to bribe mother nature like


When you see people walking to campus instead of taking the bus


When someone wants to go outside and play in the snow


Trying not to cry every time you walk outside


But ending up crying anyways


When people ask why you decided to move to Logan if you were just going to complain about the cold the whole time


When someone who grew up here says it isn't that cold


And finally, finally, the temperature gets above freezing

Nineteen's old. You're old.

The first conversations I ever had with Syd were these:

Syd: hi! dumb question, but did you find the Megan girl anywhere?! i can't & it's totally bugging me. *laughing emoji*
Me: hahah no I didn't. I found megansnow4 on instagram and I think it might be her but im not sure
Syd: ah you are awesome! thanks!
Me: haha no problem!
Me: hey her username is actually m3ggie_sn0w
Syd: oh okay cool! yeah thanks! not gonna lie I was way too lazy to find people hahaha

*two days later*

Syd: Okay! Where are you from? (: dumb question, but you don't seem like you are from Utah. Or your Instagram posts don't haha
Me: haha im not! im from Kentucky.
Syd: Oh cool! So do you know the Sara girl?
Me: yep! we're really good friends. have you talked to her at all?
Syd: No! She seems way cute! I definitely stalked her whole profile *laughing emoji* but who doesn't
Syd: Alright hahaha here is my phone number, I'm getting on a boat and I'll lose wifi, you can text me if you like!

...and the rest is history.

     I'm just kidding. The rest is not history. What does that even mean.
     Pretty darn soon after that she became one of my best friends. And that's not an exaggeration. When something embarrassing happened to me (and ugh, it was so embarrassing), I called Syd first. When something sad happpened in Grey's Anatomy and I was crying (yes, I'm pathetic... it's just so good), I called Syd first. When I was angry at boys, I called Syd. When something was exciting, I called Syd. When I needed to complain about work or money, I called Syd. She did the same. When her dumb ex-boyfriend was being a jerk, she called me. When she was stuck at work at the snow cone shop all night and didn't have anything to do, she called me. When she was excited about her new Harry Potter wand, she called me. We had each other months before we even met.
     And then... then we finally met. Which was awesome. I was unpacking everything in my apartment and she called me: "Hey Mads, I'm here." "Yay!! Where are you?" "Uh some building in front of Snow." "I gotchu." I walked outside the building and she was there and I think we both had the same ridiculous relief that we were the same height and would look good together in pictures.
     So we took pictures. Loads of them.

     We even kinda stole Chase's car once and went to Einstein's Bagel's and Jamba Juice. And we almost got away with it, but Syd just haaad to post a picture on her Snapchat story. Nice, Syd.

     So Sydney Gowans, because it's your birthday, and because you mean so much to me, and because you are so awesome and the funnest person ever, there's a cake in the baby fridge on the top shelf. It's for you (and hopefully me too, it looks delicious). You will have a happy birthday wish from me on every social media site possible. And a note from me on your bed when you get home tonight. Oh, and that birthday hat I wore on my birthday? It's on the top of the shelf on my bed. You can wear it today if you want. 

     Happy Birthday. Thanks for everything you've done for me. Thanks for always being there, thanks for making me laugh, thanks for encouraging me to be better, thanks for understanding, and thanks for being so cool. You sure are a pretty good roommate. Love you, crazy.

New semester, pretty much the same old me

     Aren't you proud of me for not saying, "new year, new me"? It makes me laugh when people say that. Sorry, I'm sure you really believe you're new, but let's be honest, no one can switch and all of the sudden become the perfect person they want to be just because they stayed up until midnight to watch the ball drop and drank sparking cider out of a plastic wine glass. Although, I must admit that drinking sparkling cider out of a plastic wine glass does magically make me feel like a new person, so I guess it's a little bit understandable.
     Spending Christmas at home was the best thing I could have asked for. I loved being able to be there. Also, Christmas Eve was like 75 degrees in Kentucky, so that was way better than a white Christmas. I have enough white the rest of the year in Logan, I don't need a white Christmas at home. It was awesome to be able to hang out with my siblings and see how they've grown and changed over the past several months I've been away (I'm talking about Josh. He grows like a freakin' monster. It's ridiculous). And to be there to see my parents making the decision to move to Logan (!!!!) was so awesome. It made saying goodbye way easier. More of a "see you in a few weeks at your new rental house where you can buy me razors and shampoo when I run out as long as I'm nice and work hard!" We put our house on the market the day before I flew back to school, and by the time I was on the plane the next day, there was someone who had already toured the house. Next day, I was in church, and I got the text that the house had just sold. This move was definitely being planned by our Heavenly Father. And I couldn't be more excited to be close to my family again.
     This semester I'm taking 12 credits - it's the most I can really manage with a job for now. Since I work every Tuesday and Thursday 7am-3pm, I had to jam all those credits into the MWF schedule. Which is a fun experience. Ready to hear about these classes? This is gonna be good.

US Institutions (9:30am-10:20am): I take this class with so many of my friends. Which was totally an accident but it worked out pretty well. Me, Sara, Chandler, our friends Lacee, Katie, Erika, Sydney, Kirsten, some other people from our ward, and this one guy who served in our ward as a missionary and then came back for school. Oh, and this is the most stereotypical history professor ever. He wears ugly ties and he's so passionate about history and he lectures SO FAST. And one time he danced around the stage acting out the movie Pocohontas, that was fun. Honestly, we've all considered dropping the class, but lo, here we still are.
Psychology 1010 (10:30am-11:20am): My teacher for this is super cool but she's also very obsessed with gory things I think. Which I don't mind too much, but some of the other 200 kids in my class really don't like seeing ancient ways to fix mental illnesses (trepanning, if you're interested). Poor professor always makes jokes and no one laughs at them. I feel ya, Dr. I feel ya.
Foundations of the Restoration (11:30am-12:20pm): This institute class is awesome. I'm really excited for it. I loved learning about the Doctrine and Covenants last year in seminary, and this is just going to be a way cooler version than that. My teacher Brother Salmond is awesome. SO loud, SO easily distracted, SO funny, and SO strong in the gospel. He teaches with such power (physically and spiritually) that it's impossible to not enjoy the class. Also Chase takes it with me so that's pretty cool I guess. Brother Salmond definitely likes me more.
English 2010 (12:30pm-1:20pm): So my first day in this class, I had mixed up my schedule and gone to the wrong building first, and then figured it out and had to walk a while to get here, so I was like 10-15 minutes late. Which was just awful because it was the first day. But because pretty much everyone has to take English I figured it would be a big enough class that I could just slip into the back and not disturb anything. Nope. There's like 20 people in the class, tops. And the only seats available were in the front row. Awkward. I'm so good at first impressions it's ridiculous. But I made up for it by telling my teacher I was going to write an essay about the deep lessons we learn from eating dinosaur chicken nuggets. I think he likes me now.
Sociology 1010 (1:30pm-2:20pm): Now this is my kind of class. Can I just talk about how much I love Sociology?! SO MUCH. I could spend my whole life doing this kind of stuff. Unfortunately, I do want a future, and I'm not sure I have much of one in this. This professor is one I had last semester for a different sociology class. She is so awesome. I love her so much. Best teacher I've ever had. She teaches in a way that really makes sense for me. I walked in on the first day and she said, "Oh there's a familiar face! I was looking for you." And, I'm basically an expert on Sociology now (this is mostly a joke but kinda not), and I've skimmed through most of the chapters and I pretty much know everything I'm going to be learning about already. So that's a relief. Look at me being all knowledgeable and prepared.

     So that's that. Other than that, my life has been super not exciting. Every day I've been back, I've been either working, at school, or both. The good news is that we always have an unlimited amount of cookies at work, so that's been awesome. And my dad will be here in like a week!!! (Take me out to dinner please dad? I've been craving Italian like nobody's business).
     Fun work story: So first of all, let me just make this clear. I'm 18. I'm super young. I'm not very tall, I'm like 5'4 or 5'5 tops. And I have the face of a sixteen year old. I might technically be an adult and be living on my own and holding an adult job, but let's just be honest, I'm still a little girl. It's obvious to everyone. So at Best Western, we have one guest who's super regular. I'm not gonna say his name for confidentiality (that's probably something adults do I think), but we'll call him Ben. He works up here about every 10 days or so, so while he is up here, he stays at our hotel. He's a platinum member and gets an awesome rate. Anyways, the first time he came in while I was working, he asked me where my boss was. I told him that he doesn't work Tuesdays or Thursdays anymore. So guess what started happening. Now he always comes on Tuesday or Thursday. He looked anywhere from his late twenties to early thirties to me. Every time he came in, I'd get a nice but gross little compliment. Like, "your hair looks good today," or "I like your dress." Which is sweet of him I guess but makes me a little (that's a lie - very) uncomfortable. Here's where it gets good. This last Tuesday, I was working like always, and in walks Ben and his work buddy. He asks for a room for the night, and I'm getting all his information pulled up and getting things printed off for him to sign and getting his key cards to the room, etc. Work stuff. Just doing my job. Him and his buddy start talking about how much the snow sucked and how cold it was, and Ben mentioned that they should go to California. He turned to me and was like, "doesn't that sound like a good plan?" I told him yes, and that I bet the warmth would be awesome. Just trying to be friendly. He then proceeds to invite me to go to California with him. I laughed it off and gave him his stuff and he left. Two minutes later, he walked back in and brought up California again, saying he'd let me know what day we're going. I went to my boss about this and told him what had happened, and my boss knew the guy of course... Turns out Ben is 40. He has a daughter my age. Men are scary.
     Long story short, I now wear a fake engagement ring at work and anywhere I feel like I might potentially get hit on and need it.
   
Snow 107 Love Life Update:
Mariah - Oh we're so close to having something here. We just need Pa to stop being an awkward RM and just date her already. Still holding that dibs on her first born child being named Madison.
Holly - Not much to update here for now. I do have one thing I want to brag about for her though. Not related at all, but Holly taught me today about starch in mac n cheese and it was life changing.
Syd - She and her boyfriend are my favorites. They're gonna make beautiful babies one day. At least that's what I'm hoping for. Oh man. I should call dibs on her first child being named Madison too. Dibs.
Megan - We decided that her man is probably just getting off his mission, and so they'll meet next semester and get married. At least, that's the plan.
Sara - Same old same old. Her boyfriend is a very nice guy because when we were all at the youth dance in Kentucky, he asked me to dance during some of the slow songs so I couldn't eat my sorrows in M&M's and mints (what is up with the lame refreshments at these dances, jeez).
Mads - Everything is going really well. Chase is the best. Also, I just realized I'm not going to be single in Singles' Ward on Valentines Day so that's like the biggest relief of the century. Nailed it.

But, why do we NEED a Savior?

     Jesus said once (or maybe more than that), "I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life" (St John 8:12, King James Version). He told us, "If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed" (verse 36). He taught us that, "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me" (St John 10:27).
     This year I had a an institute teacher who taught us that there will be times in our lives when everyone will seem to let us down, when everything seems to go wrong, when we feel so alone, when we wonder if we even have a friend. "...You do. You absolutely do."

***

     In Relief Society this week, we were taught about Christ - that He is the way. "A prominent theme in President Howard W. Hunter’s teachings," and I'm pulling this straight from the lesson, "is that true peace, healing, and happiness come only as a person strives to know and follow Jesus Christ. President Hunter taught that 'Christ’s way is not only the right way, but ultimately the only way to hope and joy.'"

***

     I think I'm really starting to learn what Christ meant in Matthew 11:28-30 when he said, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." He's not asking us to let him take our yokes. Why did I ever read it that way? He is not saying, "Take a break, I got this." That has never, ever been the plan. This life isn't for breaks. Which is so, so overwhelming for me sometimes. That time doesn't slow down, and life doesn't stop for me to catch my breath.

     All growing up, my parents have been runners. My mom would run 5ks and half marathons. Or she'd just be in running groups and go out a few nights a week with "the ladies" on runs. My dad ran half marathons and full marathons. One time he was running in a marathon and collapsed like 100 yards away from the finish line. He tried getting back up but just fell again. So, he crawled his way to the end. Hard core, man.
     I've never been that into running. Like, ever. I think you're crazy if you just enjoy running naturally without forcing yourself to do it until you're good. But, because my parents always ran, I still grew up knowing that running is a good way to stay in shape, and its a good skill and hobby to have. So sometimes, when I really pull my life together and have the motivation, I'll start trying to run again. Right now, for instance. I've been going on runs every day. Short ones. Maybe a mile and a half, tops. But because I'm not a real runner yet, and because I don't do it regularly enough throughout the year, when I run, I run for about five minutes, and then I have to slow down and jog, or walk. Sometimes, when it hurts enough, and when I get those awful, unavoidable cramps under my ribs, I have to stop all together and take a water break before I get get back up and run again.
     Then, unintentionally, I end up convincing myself that I can stop and take breaks when things get hard. That I can back things up, and slow things down a little, and then maybe later I'll try again. But that's just wrong. Christ said, "I will give you rest," but right afterwards, he follows up by saying, "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me. ...For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." He's telling us that when we learn of him, and follow him, and do his work, our souls will find rest. Rejuvenation, peace, but NOT water breaks.

***

     So yes, Christ gives us all this. He gives us hope, he give us joy, he gives us peace. But why do you need that? Why should you have to give up all of yourself for him? Why can't we do it on our own?
     I mean, there's the obvious reason. Without Jesus being born to this earth, without his life, his atonement, his sacrifice, his resurrection, we literally cannot be restored with our bodies again, and we cannot live with our Heavenly Father again. So we need him for at least that. But I can't accept that that is the only reason he is called our Savior and Redeemer.

***

      I live right on the side of the mountain in Logan, Utah. It's the highest elevation I think I've ever lived. And before I moved here, I was SO pumped about hikes and rock climbing and all that jazz. Because I had done all of it back east, I really, really planned on doing it a ton when I moved to the mountains. I thought I was ready. ...I was not. I was so far from ready it's hilarious. I registered for this class that took place the week before school started. We learned better studying habits, we learned what the university offers, we learned how to budget and all these things that would help us in our further education, as they like to call it. One of the days, my class took a hike up this trail in the canyon. At the top, there are caves commonly known as the wind caves. They're breathtakingly beautiful, and the view is fantastic. Or so I've heard. I never actually got to the top. We started the hike out, and I had the right clothes and shoes and I had water and my hair tied back. I was ready. I had even spent the summer running and working out so that I could be in better shape for these kinds of activities. But after five minutes of walking up the steep mountainside (what is with me and five minutes??), I was just really struggling to keep pushing. I wasn't used to the elevation. I had already run out of water - it was so dry. We went in the middle of the day when the sun was beating down on us like crazy. My legs were weaker than I had expected, and halfway up, I sat in the shade for a couple minutes to catch my breath and rest my already sore feet. It dawned on me that I was not even close to being prepared to hike this mountain, and that I wouldn't be able to make it all the way up. I was already behind almost everyone in the class. I ended up slowly making my way back down, tripping and falling a few times and getting a few cuts and bruises. What was a wonderful memory of hard work and then incredible reward for everyone else ended up being a shameful memory of weakness and regret for me.
     In the past months since that experience, I've looked back on it a lot. Why didn't I just push myself harder? It would have been worth it in the end! Why didn't I realize that it would be hot and dry? Why didn't I think to consider the elevation when training that summer? Why wasn't I more prepared? And how, how in the world, did I let myself turn around and walk back down the mountain without even giving it one more shot?
     In Alma 7:12 in the Book of Mormon, we're taught that "he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."

That means that every time we mess up, he will know the regret we feel, he will know the sadness, the pain, and the remorse for our mistakes. But further than that, he took upon him our infirmities, our little flaws and weaknesses. Jesus Christ, and only he, can fill in the gaps of infirmities in us. He can enable us to do more than we can do on our own. In the Bible Dictionary, under the word "grace" it says this: "It is through the grace of the Lord Jesus, made possible by His atoning sacrifice, that mankind will be raised in immortality, every person receiving his body from the grave in a condition of everlasting life. It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts."
     Because of this enabling power, when our feet get tired of pushing further, when our legs are weak, when our throats are dry and our heads are pounding, when we think we can't go any further up that mountain without collapsing, we do not have to go alone. We don't have to sorrowfully stop and turn around. We don't have to keep falling, we don't have to feel hopeless or tired. We don't have to miss out on the wind caves at the top. We don't have to lose the chance to overcome. And let's be real - the reward of enduring this life faithfully will be so much greater than any view or cave on a mountain in Utah.

***

"Why do I need Christ? This is a question that I just feel like I can’t put justice to. I have nowhere to start, but I do know that the hymn Be Still My Soul is the first thing that came to mind. This is my very favorite hymn, because it has helped me continue through some very hard times. Times I have struggled with my testimony, times when I have felt alone, times that I have felt stressed. I need my Savior, my Redeemer, my dear brother Jesus Christ because he gives me hope that I can endure and that I can return to him and my Heavenly Father. He is on my side, and helps bares the burdens that I have. He will never leave us, and if we rely on him we will find a joyful end. I need Christ because he gives me hope." -Bryanna

"Christ gives us something to hope for and work towards. Without Him, with no resurrection, with no life after death, we only have this life and everything it can give to us. That just seems like a waste, doesn't it? Of course there are things that are important in this life, but without Him, what's the most we could hope for? To live like a celebrity? No, we need Christ so that we can have hope of eternal families and of renewal and rebirth. We need Him so we can have hope every day that we are working towards something that is worth it." -Wade

"We need a Savior to have true and everlasting happiness and peace. To be able to live in eternal families in the celestial kingdom in the presence of our Heavenly Father. And to allow us to repent and be unspotted before him." - Chase

"We need Jesus Christ because we are imperfect beings who make lots of mistakes. We can never reach our full potential by ourselves. With Jesus Christ we can feel peace, love, and true happiness. We can understand who we are and why we are here. We need Jesus Christ to help us imperfect beings become more perfect through him. We need him in order to be able to feel peace again when we mess up. Jesus Christ enables us to try again and again and again. Because without him we would never be enough, we would never know true happiness, we would have no light. Jesus is the reason that there is hope and love in the world. He is the greatest person who will ever live. And he is ultimately who we are trying to become like." -Katie

"The main answer is that there are two obstacles standing in our way from us returning to our Heavenly Father. They are death and sin. We cannot overcome these alone and NEED a Savior / Redeemer to overcome them for us. Then with us choosing to use His help, He can help us overcome them both. But the personal answer for me is that we are mortal. Each day we fall short of God's perfection and thus fall short of the possibility of being in His presence. Through the Atonement of Christ daily He can cleanse us of these mistakes and sins. Each day through His Atonement we can be lifted up, feel our burdens made light, feel hope to try harder the next day, and know that there was One that went before us who overcame it all. Life without Christ is filled with darkness and confusion. There is no purpose and no hope of eternal life. With Christ we are filled with light, we know who we are and what we can become. We have greater strength to resist temptation and give more because He is by our side. Without Him we have no advocate pleading our cause, no one to wipe away our tears. With Him we have solace, comfort, and the ability to confront and overcome any challenge that comes in our path. In summary, without Him we have nothing; with Him we have everything that matters most." -Justin

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     So, why do we need a Savior? Because although our physical bodies can survive a lifetime without Jesus Christ, that won't be enough to sustain our souls. Just like my body every once in a while needs a good bowl of ice-cream or a piece of Dove chocolate to feel okay, my soul too needs a little hope sometimes, a little peace, a little forgiveness, a little light and direction. Because without Him, we would never be enough. That's why we need a Savior.
     I can't make it without Him. I can't make it a day, let alone a life time without Christ. I have too many insecurities, too many bad habits, too many fears, too many worries, too many trials. Too many flaws, weaknesses, tears, temptations, lusts. Too many shortcomings, too many pains, and too many afflictions.

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     We will always need a Savior. We will always owe him more than we can give, we will always need his strength and we will always need him as an advocate. We will always need his Atonement, we will always need his example. And we will always, always need his love.
     President Howard W. Hunter declared, "We must know Christ better than we know him; we must remember him more often than we remember him; we must serve him more valiantly than we serve him."
     May we open the door a little more each day to let him into our lives. May we search for him in our darkest moments, and in our brightest moments may we walk with him. May we remember that though at times we will feel alone and forgotten, and wonder if we have anyone there to help us, "...You do. You absolutely do."

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     1 Nephi 13:37 (Book of Mormon):

"...and if they endure unto the end they shall be lifted up at the last day, and shall be saved in the everlasting kingdom of the Lamb; and whoso shall publish peace, yea, tidings of great joy, how beautiful upon the mountains shall they be."